I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
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Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.