I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
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When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in