I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
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Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
Pizza is an emotion right?
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
LA today:
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡