“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
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Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Buck naked
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
accurate
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!