Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
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Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.