I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.

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Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.


*first date*

Her: So what animal would you be?

Me: Oh a cat for sure!

Her: Aw cute!

(Later that night)

Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*

Her: …Ok considerably less cute.


Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?

Women: 9:45am on Monday at work

Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002


Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now


Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.

Is that cheesecake?


Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries


No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.


Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.