I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
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Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
🤣🤣
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
😏😏😏
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U