@lmwortho

I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.

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@bottlerocket

Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.

@ACartoonCat

*first date*

Her: So what animal would you be?

Me: Oh a cat for sure!

Her: Aw cute!

(Later that night)

Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*

Her: …Ok considerably less cute.

@ericsshadow

Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?

Women: 9:45am on Monday at work

Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002

@RandiLawson

Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now

@Donna_McCoy

Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.

Is that cheesecake?

@ShortSleeveSuit

Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries

@DairylandDon

No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.

@andrewgutin

Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.