I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
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Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
I have two kinds of followers
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.