I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
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if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.