@radtoria

I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.

You Might Also Like

@JohnFDaley

There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.

@Jenny4ashley

Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?

BLEACH I MIGHT BE

@ElgatoEsmio

[DUI checkpoint]

Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger

Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff

@zachary_lampley

Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.

Boss: You mean up?

Me: No, updog.

Boss: What’s updog?

Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.

@lucky_300

Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..

That’s how the fight started

@TheHyyyype

guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy

guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop

@JessObsess

Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?

@Mobute

A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.

@iwearaonesie

wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous