@radtoria

I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.

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@sullivnx

i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls

@daemonic3

[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!

“What’ll it be?”

[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan

@Matt_The_1st

Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.

@panmidwest

Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.

@cool_pond

replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground

@Turn2Dude

Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.

@ThoughtOtter

Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead

@ristolable

Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing

@oldfriend99

The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February