
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February