@JohnFDaley There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
@radtoria I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
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@JohnFDaley 
@Jenny4ashley Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
@ElgatoEsmio [DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
@zachary_lampley Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
@lucky_300 Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
@TheHyyyype guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
@JohnHilsen Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
@JessObsess Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
@Mobute A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
@iwearaonesie wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous