I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.

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There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.


Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?



[DUI checkpoint]

Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger

Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff


Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.

Boss: You mean up?

Me: No, updog.

Boss: What’s updog?

Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.


Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..

That’s how the fight started


guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy

guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop


Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?


A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.


wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous