I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
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Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Comparing yourself to others
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Me: how are you
Friday: good
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Well, that should do it
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.