I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
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Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.