I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
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When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
🙂🙃🥹
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English