@JermHimselfish *stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
@simoncholland I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
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@JermHimselfish 
@withanewname [seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
@robfee Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
@FlyJ_ You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
@PeaceAddiction I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
@blade_funner [my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
@IGotsSmarts I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
@JasonLastname As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
@MNateShyamalan oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
@HeroineAddict Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.