I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.

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“Hey what happened to the new guy?”

-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6

“But there’s a shark in tan..”



Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.


You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?

Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.


I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.


[my first day as a 911 operator]

*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy


I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.


As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying


oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory


Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.