I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
You Might Also Like
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”
To which I replied: “a camera.”
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.