Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”

You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.

Me: please give my compliments to the chef

[later]

Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes

*Turns on work computer*

*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*

*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*

dora: jeez we’re really lost

boots: dora i’m freezing

backpack: we need a fire

the map: what should we use to start it?

dora:

boots:

backpack:

the map: oh no

dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault

When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired

This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley

my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min

So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.

Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty

me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?

cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close

[first date]

DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths

ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*

Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!

Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂

Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”

To which I replied: “a camera.”

I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can

Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.

Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl

[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]

“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say

[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]

I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest

I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus

It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.

accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.

wife: you’re drunk

me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol

Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub

Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.

[Getting lucky on the first date]

Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!

There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.

I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.

I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.

ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and

We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.

I was naked.

She was afraid.

I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.