I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
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God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
Wedding planning is organized crime.
umm…
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!