I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
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“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop