I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
You Might Also Like
fixed it
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
I know this now 😂
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk