I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
You Might Also Like
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Stop being racist to kettles.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.