I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
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[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.