I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
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13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.