I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
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me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Dolls on drugs
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor