I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
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You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
Speak now or ever hold your peace
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat