I accidentally left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days and boy does it smell like I left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days.
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How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
Your cougar jokes make me puma pants.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
plant them where lol
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
I like how whispering makes everything sound sexier.. unless you’re saying something like “Can you pass the last slice of pizza” cause the answer is “no, it’s mine”
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.