I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
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Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Jogging
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?