I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
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Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.