I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
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I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”