I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
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I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke