@oops_iBGd_again

I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”

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@Reverend_Scott

October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.

@Playing_Dad

Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.

@SardonicTart

Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.

@fireland

One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.

@david8hughes

[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”

@MaxKrimeTV

[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.

@batkaren

*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU

@MaraWilson

I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer

@MisterBombay

I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy

@Marlebean

I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.