I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
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The second world war should have been called world war returns
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.