I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”

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October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.


Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.


Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.


One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.


[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”


[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.


*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?


I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer


I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy


I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.