I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
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I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
it be like that
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”