I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
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Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.