I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
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Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
Oh, I bet you would be