I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
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It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
paddle faster i hear baby shark
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time