I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
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Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
synchronized noseblowing
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.