I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
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its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.