I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
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Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
inventing words: clothing
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”