I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
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In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.