i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
You Might Also Like
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.