I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
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”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?