I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.

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You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.


My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa


FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?

ME: She’s a real queen bee.

FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.

*a faint buzzing from my pocket*

ME: Dude, she’s right here.


A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience



you’re tall for a woman

[she gets real mad right here]

*place hand on hers*

but the perfect height for an angel


“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism


I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.


No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.