@CandyEmpires You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
@ramblinma I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
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@CandyEmpires 
@YoungFunE My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
@truegritrumble FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
@caseytduncan I know karate and tons of other words.
@WheelTod A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
@panmidwest FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
@TheHyyyype “hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
@WilliamAder I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
@WORLDSTAR “No, it’s not me” 😂💀
@GreenishDuck No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.