I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat

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You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .

me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .


*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing


i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either


If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in


“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”

What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”


One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.


Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.


If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.