I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
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You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.