I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
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Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
and now we wait
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*