@MaidOfBeans

I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.

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@sploosk

THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster

@MrSpoonicorn

i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle

@roggyie

If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.

@PopeAwesomeXIII

The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job

@hyperblastchic

Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!

Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?

@GrillinChillin9

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

-Me with beer, me without beer

@robfee

Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!

@longwall26

Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.

@badbanana

Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.

@leechee420

Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”