@sploosk THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
@MaidOfBeans I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
You Might Also Like
@sploosk 
@MrSpoonicorn i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
@roggyie If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
@PopeAwesomeXIII The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
@hyperblastchic Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
@GrillinChillin9 It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
@robfee Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
@longwall26 Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
@badbanana Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
@leechee420 Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”