I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.

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THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster


i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle


If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.


The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job


Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!

Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?


It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

-Me with beer, me without beer


Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!


Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.


Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.


Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”