I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
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Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.