I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
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I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
So sick of all these stupid rules
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.