@momTruthBomb

I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.

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@impaulmccoy

I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..

@blade_funner

Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp

Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES

@SomeChrisTweets

Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.

@rosiesrambles

i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”

@TheToddWilliams

GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?

ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills

@Megatronic13

My kid: I’ll look

Me: No, no one is going to look

Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-

Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON

@NewDadNotes

Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.

Me: what should I say instead of bull-

Wife: shhh say snake instead.

Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.

@Jake_Vig

POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?

ME: Jealous much?