I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
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If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!