I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
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something like this could probably happen to anyone
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?