I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
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DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.