i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
You Might Also Like
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Oh hi lol
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.