i actually laughed 😩
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If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU