I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
You Might Also Like
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.