i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
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[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
I don’t get marriage
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
who did the taste test?
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
October already? What’s next? November????
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.