Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.

The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.

Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.

Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts

Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts

If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second

Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.

[Shouts to passing jogger]

“Is there cake?”

I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.

[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…

fish: yeah this happens a lot

I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.

For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.

Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad

Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.

I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.

4: mommy, I don’t like you.

Me: why, what did I do??

4: *gives me a huge hug*

Me: uh

4: I only love grandma

Me: what is happening

11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”

Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.

Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start

“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random

If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?

I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?

I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.

We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.

I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.

I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.

Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*

Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911

If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other

the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING

I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.

The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.

Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning