Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25

TOTAL: $76.42

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.

[blind date]

HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*

ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am

you (uncultured): Ok.

me (cultured): Othousand.

Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.

[Throwing change in a well]

Me: I wish you well.

Well: I already am a well.

Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.

Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you

ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?

BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else

My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.

cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.

me: why?

cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.

I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …

Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled

Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.

Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there

Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.

Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?

Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.

*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO

We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.

“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff

Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood

Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it

why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly

me: *emerging from a ten year coma*

dad: well look who finally got up

Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.

There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl

today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more