I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
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boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that