I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.

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In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.


When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:


A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.


You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.


Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.


Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.


I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.


Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?

Him: that’s a ladle


The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February