@designersays

I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.

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@GoneFishingYo

In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.

@fluffysuse

When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.

@FSUSteve

A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.

@Theropologist

You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.

@kelkulus

Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.

@Prince_Smarming

Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?

Him: that’s a ladle

@oldfriend99

The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February